The Kids Guide to Humor Columns

Blue bathing suits? Sleepy Joe? Donald Trump as Robert Redford in the Natural? Must be Drew Time!

As I grow older, my memory has started to fade. I can remember the blue bathing suit my wife was wearing at the pool the first time I met her nearly 25 years ago, but I’ll be damned if I can remember the third item I was supposed to pick up at BJ’s today which, of course, I didn’t bother to write down (And yes, the bathing suit anecdote is strictly employed to possibly offset the fact that I cannot remember the third grocery item I need to get, and it’s not going to make my wife happy when she has to run out and buy that third item.)

So as the presidential election approaches in November, I was looking for a refresher on the achievements of Donald Trump’s presidency (I really wasn’t, but this makes me sound open to building bridges with others who don’t share my love of democracy, decency, and decorum. It also makes the founder of the FXBG Advance happy, so he can extol how multipartisan we are even in our humor column. As George Costanza famously noted: “Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.”)

Fortunately for me, EverBright Kids has published a series of books titled the Kids Guides to American History to help us through these darkest of times. For absolutely free, they sent me The Kids Guide to President Trump (It actually cost me $2.99 for shipping, but I’m sure I can get that back out of petty cash).

There was no obligation to purchase other titles, but for a monthly fee, I could access their entire library of online titles reflecting our great American History. Some of the other available titles are The Kids Guide to Fighting Indoctrination, The Kids Guide to the Coronavirus, and The Kids Guide to Staying Safe Online which hopefully opens with not ordering monthly magazines online with your parents’ credit card.

There are also special regional titles available like The Kids Guide To Keeping Your Kitty Happy During Covid in Spotsylvania and The Kids Guide To Starting a Bucket Brigade With Your Friends and Family in King George Since One Egomaniac Has Run Off Most of The Fire Department.

EverBright Kids does have a guide on Joe Biden (has to be a cartoon of him sleeping, right?) which I would have loved to read, but after my one free issue the monthly charge for access to the library jumps up to $30/month, and if it’s anything like trying to cancel my Columbia Records subscription, I was going to have a library to rival my CD collection. To this day, I insist I never ordered a CD of Peter, Paul and Bjorn, yet there it sits, mocking me from the slightly leaning CD tower in my office.

The first thing one notices in The Kids Guide to President Trump is how much the artistic rendering of Trump on the cover looks like Robert Redford in the movie The Natural, but that moment of grandeur is short-lived when you open the actual guide to see real-life photos of Trump doing a lot of gesticulating but curiously not golfing. Lest children be scared off by reality though, the book is populated with a number of kid-friendly cartoons showing Trump in dramatic acts such as pulling a sink stopper to drain the swamp of two white politicians who, one can assume, are going to die once they go down the drain. A few pages later, however, there is a scary drawing of a Swamp Thing and a recounting of the number of attacks hurled at Trump after he took office including illegal spying on Trump and calling him a racist. The Swamp Thing cartoon is sure to be a hit with kids who only have time to look at one of the book’s 17 pages before running off to the Capitol for a peaceful protest.

Importantly the book notes that Trump did not start World War III as some predicted and did not start any wars during his four years as opposed to Joe Biden whose presidency has seen “war in Ukraine, increase tension with China over Taiwan, and the massive uptick in violence in the Middle East.” Trump’s ability to avoid starting a war dovetails nicely with my favorite anecdote from the guide:

“When Donald J. Trump was elected the 45^th President of the United States in 2016, he became only the fourth president with no prior political experience. While that seems unusual, Trump was in excellent company. War heroes George Washington, Ulysses S. Grant, Dwight D. Eisenhower, and Zachary Taylor all had come straight from the military. While these great men were experts in military tactics, Donald Trump was an expert businessman with decades of experience leading huge companies, thousands of people, and dozens of complicated deals and projects.”

Not to pick nits, but for a children’s guide the basic math above does not work. If he was the fourth president with no prior political experience and yet four great military leaders are listed that should be four plus Trump making five. But that is not why the above is my favorite part of the book and worth the $2.99 shipping charge. The implication is that Trump bankrupting assorted businesses, including his casino in New Jersey, is somehow equivalent to Washington crossing the Delaware and surprising the British at Trenton. Granted, they both did occur in New Jersey.

Or Zachary Taylor’s win over Santa Anna in the Battle of Buena Vista where Taylor marched into Mexico (fortunately this was pre-wall) and defeated the great Mexican general despite being outnumbered almost 2 to 1. Some might question Taylor’s military tactics in this battle after leaving his left flank sorely exposed, but fortunately the Mexican soldiers were tired, poorly equipped, and only interested in stealing jobs from upstanding American citizens so they did not pose much of a threat to a heavily armed opponent.

The most important takeaway from The Kids Guide to President Trump though is that after looking at 18 pictures and renderings of Trump, I finally remembered the third grocery item I’m supposed to buy at BJ’s—Oranges!

(If you find yourself in Downtown Fredericksburg with kids in tow and without an available copy of The Kids Guide to President Trump, stick your head in the Card Cellar located at 915 Caroline Street. The Card Cellar has a number of toys available for sale including some that might resemble a swamp thing.)

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