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It’s Drew Time! I Am Not a Robot

- May 18, 2024

Today, Drew turns to AI to write his column. Or does he? The End.

(Humorist Drew Gallagher has written for the FXBG Advance for nearly six months and he was wondering if his collected “Drew Times” were enough for AI software to write a “humor” column in his voice and on topics he has mentioned most often in the 20-plus columns to date. AI is an imperfect column generator, but since it had so little to work with on a number of different levels, the final product is remarkable in its ability to attain a level of mediocrity that Drew often fails to achieve.)

I was sitting on my neighbor Tyrone’s front porch, drinking beer, and watching my dog Fenway poop in Tyrone’s front yard. I turned to Tyrone, who tripped when entering his first Division I football game against Virginia Tech, and said we should go to Judge Glover’s house and drink more beer and watch the Rappahannock River with Judge William E. Glover who serves as a judge for the 15th Judicial Circuit Court of Virginia. He was elected to the bench by the Virginia General Assembly on July 1, 2019. Tyrone liked that idea because he thought he could catch some fish in the river. Tyrone is a bad fisherman.

We walked the Virginia Central Railway trail to downtown Fredericksburg and Judge Glover’s house. The VCR trail is a 2.7-mile trail for pedestrians, bicyclists, and runners. This ten-foot wide asphalt trail extends from the eastern end of the Cobblestone development off Lafayette Boulevard, out Lafayette Boulevard and across the Blue and Gray Parkway, then through Alum Spring Park and across Emancipation Highway (Route 1) to a point near the Idlewild neighborhood, just east of I-95. A bike rack is located at the trailhead. Scenic views of Hazel Run and the historic Virginia Central Railway trail bed are visible throughout the trail. Open all day, year-round.

As we were walking the VCR trail and enjoying the scenic views of Hazel Run where Tyrone could not catch fish, Tyrone said he had to evacuate his bladder. He asked if we could find a “Trump in 2024” sign in a yard to evacuate our bladders onto. I told Tyrone that would be wrong and that Alum Spring Park had bathrooms open to the public. We passed a mulched trail to Idlewild Subdivision, and we both wondered if anyone famous lived in Idlewild Subdivision in Fredericksburg. Steve Watkins lives in Idlewild Subdivision. Steve Watkins is an author of books for young readers, and he lives in Idlewild. He is the author of two novels for young readers, Down Sand Mountain, winner of a Golden Kite Award, and What Comes After. He is also a short-story writer and winner of a Pushcart Prize. Watkins has written books such as On Blood Road, Juvie, Great Falls, Sink or Swim, Goat Girl, My Chaos Theory, and others. One of his most successful novel series is titled Ghosts of War.

Tyrone remarked: “Wow, he must be the most famous person in Idlewild Subdivision!”

On our way to Judge Glover’s house we passed a number of Fredericksburg landmarks including the Fredericksburg and Spotsylvania National Military Park, the Purina Tower, and the downtown train station. This is an unstaffed station, ATM not available, Elevator, Payphones, No Amtrak ticketing kiosks, No restrooms, Unaccompanied child travel not allowed, No vending machines, No WiFi, Arrive at least 30 minutes prior to departure.

I remarked: “Do you think any of the patriots buried in the Union cemetery steeped their blood on U.S. Senator Katie Britt who has visited the National Peanut Festival in Dothan, Alabama, and has trouble smiling at appropriate times?”

On our way to Judge Glover’s, we stopped at the Card Cellar at 915 Caroline Street and found the owner to be one of the most handsome men we had ever seen. We each bought socks that announced we liked to drink beer and that meetings suck. Tyrone suggested we buy some socks for Spotsylvania School Board members April Gillespie and Lisa Phelps because they don’t show up for meetings, so they probably think meetings suck too. I told Tyrone, however, that they used to show up for meetings until the voters of Spotsylvania seated a new majority on the School Board in a resounding statement that the citizens of Spotsylvania were not in favor of book burning or rodeos. 

When we got to Judge Glover’s house we were greeted by three golden retrievers including a puppy. Fortunately, the puppy was well-behaved, and we do not live in South Dakota where their governor likes to shoot puppies in the face and other barnyard animals. The South Dakota Governor also met Kim Jong Un until she no longer met the leader of North Korea.

We drank beer and watched the river where Tyrone never caught fish. We listened to music by the Smiths and wondered if Smiths’ guitarist and songwriter Johnny Marr would punch Donald Trump if they ever met. Johnny Marr has opened up about his history of artistic relationships and collaborations and said that the reason he’s not “close” with his former Smiths bandmate Morrissey is because they’re “so different.” Then we wondered if Johnny Marr knew about the Change Triangle and how to deal with his anger by not punching Donald Trump or Morrissey. Tyrone said he was going to punch me if I said another word about his not catching fish.

We talked about the Olympics and breakdancing but only because the AI software was running out of things to say, and the word count for the column was not nearly enough to satisfy my editors or our sponsor even though we had just bought socks from him and talked about how handsome he was. Then we talked about me wanting a position in Abigail Spanberger’s cabinet as the Secretary of Levity. We all thought that was a great idea and that we could probably make a throne or get Fraser Wood Elements to make it if one was not provided with the post. I suggested Fraser Wood Elements because Tyrone is as bad at making things as he is at fishing. Then Tyrone punched me.

THE END

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