Trump Palooza

A whole cadre of rockers seems to behind Trump, and Drew has the flip-side on what it’s all about. And please, please, please Mr. Rock, don’t sue us.

I recognize that some readers of The Fredericksburg Advance believe that Donald Trump is the best candidate for the office of the President of the United States. (As a bed-wetting and tree-hugging liberal, I’d like the record to show that I am showing tremendous self-restraint in letting that line stand on its own two feet. Albeit in $399 Never Surrender gold high-tops sneakers.)

I also recognize that the founder of the Advance has asked all of us to be better listeners and to hear what the other side has to say without building walls to dialogue (until Mexico is willing to pay for those walls). As such, I felt there was a need for a counterpoint to a prior column I wrote about musicians who are outraged that their music has been used at Trump campaign rallies.

BREAKING COLUMN NEWS:  Since the aforementioned column and the expectation that the list of artists who have requested that Trump’s campaign cease and desist using their music without permission, the list has grown by one and it only took a few weeks. Tragically, Sinead O’Connor is unable to issue a statement expressing her outrage because she died in July of 2023. I’m certain she would have peppered her statement with the F-word in assorted and creative parts of speech as was her wont.

The estate of O’Connor has said that they have asked the Trump campaign to stop using O’Connor’s hit “Nothing Compares 2 U”. The song apparently was never in heavy rotation at Trump rallies prior to O’Connor’s death even though her cover version of the Prince-penned song was released in 1990. A cynical humorist might question why the song only got the attention of Trump’s team after her death when it would likely mean that the woman who famously tore up a picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live could not complain about their use of her song or cause a public spectacle. But that would be building a wall between myself and the people that honestly believe the Trump campaign just thought it was a toe-tapper that they had never heard of in the 34 years since its release.

Also, if “Slackjawed” by The Connells starts getting played at Trump campaign rallies then there is definitely someone on his team who was in my dorm room at Mary Washington College and took pictures of my CD collection between the years 1988 and 1992.

So in fairness to the Orange Prince of Darkness and his fans, I am going to list some of the bands and singers who have hitched their wagons to the Trump Train and have sold their musical souls in a Cheetos-tinged Faustian bargain.

  1. Ted Nugent—Born and raised in Michigan, The Motor City Madman has been quite vocal in his support of Trump along with gun rights. His multi-platinum hit “Cat Scratch Fever” was on a Pure Rock album I had as a child. I was pretty sure that there was no disease called Cat Scratch Fever but later in life some suggested that Spotsylvania School Board member Lisa Phelps was missing meetings because she suffered from that very same disease and not because her castle to cronyism came crumbling down after Spotsylvania voters had their say in November. Nugent has played at a number of Trump rallies, dressed in camouflage presumably so when he plays the National Anthem people might mistake him for Jimi Hendrix.
  2. 3 Doors Down—A band formed in Mississippi best known for the song “Kryptonite”. They played at Trump’s inauguration in 2017 which was quite the coup because no one knew they were still a band 17 years after releasing “Kryptonite”. It proved to be a savvy business decision for the band because their greatest hits album (Yes, 3 Doors Down has a greatest hits album) re-entered the Billboard charts for the first time in four years. The album was on the charts for one week and reached number 94 which broke their previous chart high of 100 which was also achieved in one week before disappearing from the charts. (By way of comparison, REM’s greatest hits album from 2003 was the 50th best selling album of the 2000s in the United Kingdom. They are from Georgia which is not a member nation of the United Kingdom.)
  3. Trace Adkins—Country music singer born in Louisiana. Adkins has been a long-time friend of Trump and appeared on Celebrity Apprentice twice, coming in second in 2008 and winning in 2013. I suppose it might have helped if I had ever watched Celebrity Apprentice because I don’t understand why a country music star with a song like “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” would need to go on a gimmicky show like Celebrity Apprentice to expand his brand.
  4. Kid Rock—Another Son of Michigan who loves the Big Guy. I am certain that Trump thinks of himself as an American Bad Ass. I’m equally certain that Trump has never listened to the lyrics because I’m not sure Trump thinks he’s an “underground stoned f***in’ pimp,with tracks that mack, and slap back the wack, never gay, no way, I don’t play with ass, but watch me rock with Liberace flash, punk rock, the Clash, boy bands are trash.” (Note to Kid Rock—I understand that you are never gay, but when you play with Liberace flash I think you might be sending a mixed message to your listeners.) Slagging on boy bands might make things a bit uncomfortable at campaign rallies going forward because another Trump supporter is…
  5. NSYNC—Trump rallies played “Bye, Bye, Bye” in 2020 so Trump rally organizers need to make certain they keep Kid Rock and Justin, JC, Joey, Lance and Chris (I had to look up their names) from going to the taco bar at the same time.  I’m not going to argue the Kid’s point that boy bands are trash, but “Bye, Bye, Bye” could be an apt soundtrack if Trump is found guilty of any number of felonies and pending indictments. Promotional Idea: Get all the bands who had Trump use their music without permission to come together and sing “Bye, Bye, Bye” Band Aid style. Proceeds to go for stricter gun control laws. Don’t invite Ted Nugent.
  6. Gene Simmons—Co-founder of the band Kiss which was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame 10 years ago. Simmons has said that he likes Trump’s brand, but anyone who has followed Gene Simmons or Kiss know that the only brand Gene Simmons has ever cared about is Gene Simmons/Kiss. So if Trump rallies play “Rock and Roll All Night” and people then go to the Kiss online store it’s not so much a win for democracy as it is for Gene Simmons. If listeners are inspired to go to the official online store they can buy some of the following items—The Final Show’s Tote bag for $50.00 (for your next outing at Whole Foods); The Kiss Oxford 50th Anniversary Banner for a mere $1,500 (60”x48”—for that open space on the back wall of your basement that will really bring your stripper den together); Strutter Socks for $15.00 (these would go great with the Trump Never Surrender Sneakers); Kiss Him cologne for $84.80 available through Amazon (only two left! And that’s likely due to the fact that Gene does not want to compete with Trump’s new cologne, Victory 47, which is available in June and described as having an amber woody scent. Of Note: Amber Woody is available for bachelor parties and pictures in front of your Kiss Oxford 50th Anniversary banner in the stripper den.)
  7. The J6 Prison Choir—Their one and only song, “Justice for All”, is usually played at the outset of Trump rallies right after the mime figures out there is no fourth wall to his box. The J6 Prison Choir is made up of 20 January 6th rioters who recorded their voices from prison with all proceeds from the sale of the record going to the portion of their defense funds that Mexico did not pay for. You can buy the song online to help these patriots or if you’re feeling a little cash strapped after the sneakers and the cologne you can simply put it in on your Kiss credit card.

(SPONSOR: This column was sponsored by The Card Cellar, located in downtown Fredericksburg at 915 Caroline Street. The Card Cellar will occasionally stock used CDs (no, Bart is not buying your Ace of Base CDs) so you might be able to find a used Kiss CD or even Kiss collectible cards. I intended to place this word from our sponsor within the Kiss summation above, but the editors did not think our “temporary” sponsor might appreciate any connection to Amber Woody.)