Advice from the Secretary of Levity

Hey – Congresswoman Spanberger, Drew needs a job. He’s recommending you avoid puppies, rodeos, and more. Confused? Read on!

Today is Mother’s Day, so hug or call your mother and tell her how much you love her.

The last time I spoke with my mother was on Mother’s Day last year before she passed away, unexpectedly, two days later. I would love the opportunity to hug my mother one more time. Would love to be able to call her once more to talk about the New York Mets and how Cleon Gallagher would not have sounded quite as erudite as Drew, which fortunately prevailed in the name selection process a few months after the 1969 World Series. An abiding thank you to my father on that front.

My mother never got to see me become a critically acclaimed humorist (well, no one has seen that yet), but what I really wish she had gotten to see was me become the Secretary of Levity in future Virginia Governor Abigail Spanberger’s cabinet.

I am not cowed by the fact that Representative Spanberger has not seen fit to call me back, which some might see as a sign of an overwhelming lack of interest. I, however, believe that she is testing me and would like to see me display versatility beyond droll humor and prove to her that I would be invaluable in helping her to reach the Governor’s Mansion in Richmond and beyond.

Prepare to be dazzled.

[Editor’s Note to Abigail Spanberger – Could you do me a favor and please call Drew? (You can reach him at the Card Cellar on Caroline Street, or at Capital Ale House throwing back suds.) He keeps using his column to promote himself to what he believes will be a newly-minted office should you win next November – Humorist to the Governor. Hire him, nix him, I don’t really care – OK, I vote for nixing because he’s one of my most-popular writers and I don’t want to lose him – but this theme’s getting a bit long in the tooth. I’d tell him, but how does one tell a guy who founded Dads for Puppies to get lost? Thanks!]

I often think of myself as an astute observer of politics, and in that self-perceived capacity, which has no basis in reality, I offer the following cautionary tales as Ms. Spanberger gears up for the election of 2025.

THINGS TO AVOID DOING BEFORE
MAJOR ELECTIONS:

  1. If you decide to write a memoir about your meteoric rise in politics, there are a few anecdotes that are best left unwritten. Take South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem for example. Noem is apparently being considered as a potential running mate for Donald Trump and saw no problem with blurbing her upcoming memoir where she details shooting her puppy, Cricket, in the head because Cricket was untrainable at 14 months old. She doubled down on this playful anecdote by relating that on the same day of Cricket’s demise she decided to shoot a goat on their farm because he was as unruly as Cricket. Noem maintains that tough decisions have to be made in farm living, and this proves her mettle for higher office. It also proves that she has a quick trigger finger coupled with no soul which might not be the qualities one is looking for except to impress Vladimir Putin. 

Note to Spanberger: Never write about shooting an animal because not only should that disqualify you from any political office, it should disqualify you from owning a gun, having children, or having any privileges in prison.

(We interrupt this column for an FXBG Advance Exclusive! As a founding member of Dads for Puppies, I have been asked to comment on the South Dakota Governor’s actions and the cold-blooded murder of Cricket. “We condemn the Governor’s actions in no uncertain terms and wish that she would go take a flying F**k at a rolling doughnut. However, we recognize that shoehorning a Vonnegut quote into our statement does not work as well anatomically as was our intention.

  1. If you had relatives or colleagues who served in the military or in law enforcement, it is customary and admirable to honor their service. If they made the ultimate sacrifice then they are true heroes, and do not sully their memories by relating that demise to possible cannibalism as President Biden did recently. Biden’s Uncle was killed in the Pacific Theatre during World War II. At a recent speech, Biden offered up his Uncle’s story and sacrifice but gave the story an unusual (and untrue) twist when he mentioned that his Uncle’s plane was shot down and his body was never recovered, and some believed he was likely eaten by cannibals. (He was not.) The military has records documenting where and when Biden’s Uncle was shot down, and it was over water so unless the cannibals swam out to the wreckage, past schools of edible fish, the likelihood of his body being cannibalized is zero. 

Note to Spanberger: At no point does cannibalism help your political ambitions. All references to cannibalism should be condemned along with shooting puppies and other farm animal friends.

  1. If you are an elected Virginia official and chair a General Assembly subcommittee on gambling regulations, do not accept a trip to Cheyenne Frontier Days in Wyoming from a skill game company looking to get skill games legalized in Virginia like Senator Bryce Reeves (R-Spotsylvania) did. I understand that you may want to show off your new ten-gallon hat and best Yellowstone outfit, but this could be perceived as compromising your integrity when you vote in favor of legalized skill games soon after your all-expenses-paid trip to Wyoming, which is not Virginia adjacent. Though there was nothing illegal about accepting and disclosing the $1,900 trip, it seems dubious on the surface and even more so when the gaming company posted pictures of you in your Cowboy best on Facebook and then those pictures disappear. Yee-haw!

Note to Spanberger: Not all photo ops are good photo ops, and beware of cowboy hats.

  1. Funding a campaign can be expensive. Funding the legal bills of your indicted spouse can be even more expensive, but hawking a necklace at $245.00 for Mother’s Day is not the answer to your financial prayers. All that glitters is not gold. Sometimes it’s gold vermeil costume jewelry being hawked by a former first lady for well above market value. Beyond the optics that make this look like a cheap money grab that seemingly expires after Mother’s Day, the math does not make sense. Melania Trump can run off to Cheyenne Frontier Days and give a 15-minute speech and be paid upwards of $200,000.00 for her efforts. She’d have to sell a lot of necklaces to make that kind of coin. Granted, the necklace does feature an engraved Melania signature, but you can go on Etsy right now and buy a photo of Melania in a robe complete with cleavage and a reprint of her autograph for $25.00. The necklace is also in the shape of a clover which brings to mind her husband’s retelling of the Irish general Robert E. Lee at Gettysburg and telling his boys to never fight uphill.  

Note to Spanberger: Avoid Cheyenne Frontier Days.

Representative Spanberger, our phone lines are open and I’m certain that The Card Cellar, located at 915 Caroline Street, would gladly host a meet-and-greet. The Card Cellar, however, does not sell cowboy hats or chaps. The only Bull found in that shop would be on baseball cards of Philadelphia Phillies’ great, Greg Luzinski.