NEWS FLASH!!! Drew’s a liberal, who writes liberal tripe!
Drew from King George likes to tabulate the number of times I mention Republican versus Democrat politicians in unflattering terms in the humor column, and he has stated that the column tends to skew left, along with having a distinct reliance on Tyrone and his inability to catch fish.
BREAKING NEWS: The Chancellor High School Athletic Booster club recently announced that my neighbor and frequent guest of the humor column, Tyrone Washington, will be inducted into the Chancellor High School Hall of Fame in September. Tyrone told this humorist that he was honored and humbled by the recognition from his alma mater, but it would result in some lifestyle changes because he would now insist on drinking Miller High Life, the Champagne of Beers, instead of Bud Light. He wanted to be clear that this was in no way intended to be a political statement and solely reflected his status as a newly-minted Hall of Famer. He also hoped that his new standing in the world might lead to an invite for us to appear on the New Dominion Podcast. (Editor’s Note: I invited Drew and Tyrone for this week, but Tyrone’s apparently away — no doubt drowning worms. But fear not, Tyrone and Drew will soon appear on NDP. ESPECIALLY after this column!)
(TRIVIA QUESTION: Which Major League Baseball Hall of Famer is the only person to ever be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame as well as the International Game Fish Association’s Fishing Hall of Fame? Hint: It is not Tyrone Washington. Answer to appear at end of column.)
Drew from King George is not the only astute reader to notice my political proclivities because one reader has speculated that The Card Cellar and its handsome owner must also skew left as the sponsor of this liberal tripe. I assure you that I have never asked the owner of The Card Cellar his political views nor do I consider his possible viewpoints when writing this liberal tripe. The views expressed in this column are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of The Card Cellar, my wife or family, or the editors of FXBG Advance. In fact, I’m pretty certain they do not reflect the views of Shaun Kenney.
Since the founder of the FXBG Advance prides himself on this being a nonpartisan publication (Editor’s Note: “Multipartisan,” Drew, Multipartisan) and Drew from King George’s white board needed more check marks in the “right” column, I did want to write that I recently read an article about Donald Trump that is unfailingly not true in my estimation. Sources, which were unnamed, stated that Trump’s choice for vice president was going to come down to which candidate had the “hottest” wife. I recognize the danger in quoting from unnamed sources and was a few hundred words into a recent column when I discovered, alas, that the residents of The Villages in Florida DO NOT advertise their sexual appetites by displaying different colored loofahs on their golf carts. (Oh, what a Christmas it would have been.)
The selection of a running mate is not a reality television show where a bachelor picks the hottest woman to marry and divorce a few months later. This is not a man who once lined up contestants at the Miss Universe pageant to personally inspect them. The fate of our democracy could rest on who Trump gives the rose to or does not fire.
The belief that Trump is shallow enough to make such an important choice in the person one heartbeat away from the presidency is ludicrous. The short list of candidates have other defining qualities and Trump’s decision will certainly depend upon their ability to govern and help Trump Make America Great Again.
Trump has said that he intends to announce his choice for VP at the Republican convention in July (15th-18th) and has officially requested materials from three possible candidates with inquiries made to additional candidates. One can assume the request for materials does not include pictures of their wives in bikinis. Due to space limitations, we can only review the qualifications of the three potential candidates who have been asked to submit materials and the artistic talent their wives intend to perform for the judges.
North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum—Perhaps the biggest asset for Burgum is that he has not penned a recent memoir memorializing the shooting of his dog in the face like his governor counterpart to the south. Burgum is no friend to the transgender community, but he is Medicare eligible and, we cannot stress this enough, he did not shoot his dog in the face. RIP Cricket.
Ohio Senator J.D. Vance—Vance did write a memoir titled “Hillbilly Elegy” in 2016, but there was no mention of shooting a dog or a goat in its pages. It’s unlikely that Trump read the memoir, and Vance is definitely hoping that Trump ignores some other things Vance once said about Trump including when he warned Christian voters: “When we apologize for this man, Lord help us.” To make it up to The Donald, he did appear in the New York City courtroom to support/apologize for the man before he was convicted of 34 felonies. Vance also went on Twitter to ask the CEO to reinstate Trump’s Twitter account so Trump could make fun of Alec Baldwin for accidentally shooting cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the set of the film “Rust”. Some found his tweet insensitive to Hutchins and her family and not much by way of an elegy.
Florida Senator Marco Rubio—Rubio, whose parents are Cuban immigrants, used to be less hawkish on immigration restrictions and was a member of the Gang of Eight who had proposed legislation that provided a path to U.S. citizenship for undocumented immigrants but is now in full goose-step with Trump’s anti-immigration policies. It’s been quite a Trumpian transformation for Little Marco (Trump’s derisive nickname for the 5’9” Senator who was accused of “heightening” during the 2016 primaries by always wearing boots with big heels) who responded to his Trump pet name by intimating that Trump’s skyscraper was not very tall. But as we all know, Trump has always been one to forgive and forget and neither Marco Rubio nor Stormy Daniels ever saw his skyscraper.
TRIVIA ANSWER: Boston Red Sox great Ted Williams is in both the baseball and fishing Halls of Fame. Williams was also a Navy pilot during both World War II and The Korean War and did not seek a deferment for bone spurs in his heel.
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