It’s Drew Time: Book Bans

by Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST

The book banning storm clouds seem to be gathering over King George County Public Schools. (And by clouds gathering, I mean one parent with no children in the school system using the Moms for Liberty “How to” guide for banning books. Not to be confused with the Moms for Liberty “How to” guide for threesomes that do not include a same sex partner.  This one is not currently available on their website. What is available, however, is the “Madison Meetup Package” which certainly sounds like a bargain at $30.00.)

As one who has reported on and watched the book banning in Spotsylvania County schools, I wanted to impart some wisdom to the King George County School Board about pitfalls to avoid in your consideration to ban books.

So, to the five members of the King George School Board, I offer the following advice on how to best address banning books from your public schools:

1. When you publicly proclaim your willingness to burn books, understand that your visage is going to be recreated in numerous news feeds including “The Daily Show” with Trevor Noah. Dress appropriately and remember this is an HD world.

1. Make certain your personal past does not include the unlawful discharging of a firearm into your neighbor’s house (while squirrel hunting in your subdivision) like former Spotsylvania School Board member and chairman Kirk Twigg. Especially when the act that could have caused your neighbors serious bodily harm or death was never prosecuted and never a community concern until you came out publicly and expressed a desire to burn books. 

3. When one member of your board breaks the seal on burning books, be careful about jumping aboard the book burning bandwagon like Rabih Abuismail did. Then, after you’ve publicly crapped all over the county’s educated and skilled librarians, don’t try to offer apologies in the form of donuts … with or without sprinkles.

4. You might believe that a licensed and skilled superintendent like Dr. Jesse Boyd could be an impediment to banning books, and you would be right. However, firing a well-respected leader of your public schools and hiring a friend of yours like Spotsylvania did with Mark Taylor might not be the rainbow to your personal fiefdom. Remember, you’re playing the long game here, and it might be awkward bumping into your former friend after an embarrassingly poor stint as superintendent has resulted in him working the cash register at the Wawa on 301. Do not (at any point!) look away from your former friend just because you feel more than a bit responsible for his professional downfall.  Your morning coffee is within easy distance of the man whose career you torpedoed because Toni Morrison wrote convincingly about the horrors of slavery. He might now be a failed superintendent but do you really want to test his skill as one who can hock a loogie into a coffee cup at three feet?

5. If you are successful at banning books because you listened to the misguided outcry of one parent who has no children in the school system, then pat yourselves on the back next time you gather at Gourmeltz for fellowship and open dialogue with like-minded preservers of liberty. Remember to disparage any and all police officers and do not discuss Covid-19 loans issued to small businesses which were able to stay in business because of said loans.

6. Once you ban the books and require your educated and skilled librarians to remove titles that they themselves helped select because they thought they might prove valuable to young readers, do not burden the new superintendent or his equally unqualified staff with the disposal of the books. Then, you will find yourself having to hire a recent King George County graduate as your lap dog or tell the media that the Director of Operations signed off on the disposal of the books. (Just a heads-up: the Director of Operations is unlikely to get involved with book banning or know much about it because it’s not his job.)

7. And perhaps the best advice of all: show support for your educated and skilled library staff along with your teachers. Do not allow the siren song of one lone person to lure you onto the rocks. Please note that you can read about similar cautionary tales in The Odyssey or in a Margaret Atwood poem…provided you do not ban them.