Drew is back (literally – the surgery was a huge success and he’s already back to writing, shamelessly pleading with Rep. Spanberger to join her cabinet – I wouldn’t underestimate him, Abigail).
In my ongoing effort to impress future Governor of Virginia, Abigail Spanberger, I wanted to show her that I am much more than a perfect fit in her cabinet as Secretary of Levity. While many aspects of the newly-created position would need to be ironed out (including salary and how to make my throne levitate in an environmentally sustainable manner), the creation of the position seems a necessity in a TikTok world.
However, I recognize that there are always budget restraints and that I could be called upon in a capacity beyond my ability to write expertly about dolphins having gay sex and Abraham Lincoln’s golf game. I want to be able to show my future employer that her ascension to higher office will no doubt be improved by adding me to her stable of geniuses. Not to be confused with very stable geniuses.
So I took it upon myself to find a running mate for presumed Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris. Sure she has already indicated that she has a few at the top of her list for consideration—Senator Mark Kelly of Arizona, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, and Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro. All three have much to offer, but I would argue that none of them have the cache and name recognition of my candidate. Nor do any of them have a Super Bowl ring, let alone three.
Ladies and gentlemen, he’s No. 87 in your program, but No. 1 in your hearts. Introducing your next Vice President of the United States of America—four-time all-pro tight end from the Kansas City Chiefs and Taylor Swift’s boyfriend, Travis Kelce!!!!!
Many people have said that the United States is not ready for a black woman president (which begs the question as to what exact date the U.S. will be ready to acknowledge that the country is inhabited by people other than white males), but I would argue that the United States is most certainly ready for a beer-swilling, NFL tight end who is dating the poppiest of all pop stars. It’s what many boys aspired to be as young children had we known that was an option beyond spaceman or racecar driver.
Of course, there could be some possible hurdles to Kelce’s selection, so I reached out to Dr. Stephen J. Farnsworth, Professor of Political Science and International Affairs at the University of Mary Washington.
“First of all, it would require a major pay cut,” said Farnsworth, noting a hurdle that was certainly not a disqualifier. “Not everybody is willing to do that. (Kelce is scheduled to make $14 million for the 2024 NFL season and the vice president position pays c. $238,000 but does include government benefits and the passcode for the security gate at Camp David.) The reality for this is that it would be really tough to continue to attend practice and spend time talking to voters all over the country.”
I did not want to pick nits with Dr. Farnsworth, but early returns from this year’s Chiefs’ preseason camp are that teenage girls and their voting parents are driving hundreds of miles to Missouri Western State University, site of the Chiefs’ training camp, to catch a glimpse of Tay Tay’s boyfriend. He doesn’t have to hit the campaign trail. The trail is coming to him! All he has to do is continue to run 12-yard curls while voters pepper him with questions on Hamas and border security. Probably preferable to getting hit multiple times by Patrick Queen of the Pittsburgh Steelers.
After further consideration, Farnsworth asked: Where Kelce was born? (Westlake, OH—so that checks a box); How old he was? (34, but importantly turns 35 on October 5th of this year which makes him age eligible at election time.) I helpfully offered that he also had a Wawa sub named for him and his brother Jason, but Farnsworth indicated that was not a requirement for running for Vice President.
As Farnsworth thoughtfully considered my stroke of inspiration and offered up some very real obstacles to the Kelce selection, I stood my ground and understood that sometimes haters are going to hate, hate, hate.
“It wouldn’t be appealing to have a Vice President who is not in Washington,” said Farnsworth who was doing me the courtesy of looking at this matter realistically. “If you’ve got a 50-50 Senate, for example, the Vice President needs to deal with that. Normally Vice Presidents are significant political advisors that you want their input on things. They have to go to the places that the President can’t go to or doesn’t want to go to. Being a star of the Kansas City Chiefs is a much more appealing job than being Vice President. It would be really tough to go from being a Super Bowl star to the understudy. In all likelihood it would mean the end of his NFL career if they (Harris and Kelce) won because he would need to be in Washington all the time.”
Not willing to abandon all hope for my infallible Democratic running mate, I asked if being traded to the Commanders might help him do both.
“No one in their right mind wants to be traded to the Commanders even if being Vice President is part of the deal,” said Farnsworth, which begs the question of whether or not Commanders’ GM Adam Peters had the foresight to ask that very question before accepting the position.
Though Travis Kelce as VEEP may be a pipe dream (and it remains mine), Farnsworth did confirm that it is constitutionally a possibility and a likely path to victory for Kamala Harris, even if it likely violates a number of contractual obligations that he has with the Kansas City Chiefs.
“People love football players a lot more than politicians,” he said. “This would be a much more appealing scenario than some Midwestern governor that most people haven’t heard of. The only potential problem is that you might throw Maryland out of its blue state status because the Ravens and Chiefs do not like each other.”
“Look, Donald Trump has certainly lowered the bar for qualifications for President,” he said. “If you can be a reality TV show star and be president, why can you not be the star of Monday Night Football and be Vice President? But there is no way his contract with the Chiefs will allow him to do it. Missouri is a red state. You don’t want the image of the Chiefs as a blue team. And in many ways, the Chiefs’ colors would be an obstacle.”
The Presidential election is still three months away and there will be many wrinkles and twists along the way. But with regard to Travis Kelce, any Swiftie could tell you: “Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you.”
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