People are living longer than ever … so let’s put grandma to work!
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
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(The Advance has written a number of articles regarding the issue of childcare affordability and how it has affected local families. Fortunately, Republican leaders were listening, and they have answers!)
Alert readers of this column know I tend to lean toward bed-wetting liberalism more than democracy-destroying MAGA in my political ideology, but on the issue of childcare, I am certainly open to any non-partisan solutions that make the life of parents easier. (I recently showed a great deal of childcare to my daughter when I volunteered to go first when we got matching tattoos. This selfless act did lead to much chagrin when my daughter thought I took the “bed-wetting liberal” descriptor literally after I got up from the paper covering the artist’s table and left a wet spot, where a wet spot should not appear, while getting inked on the forearm to the soothing sounds of Pantera. It was sweat.)
Many have claimed that the selection of JD Vance as Donald Trump’s running mate has become a millstone around The Donald’s neck (and mussed up his hair) and has also brought unwanted scrutiny to both the campaign and living room furniture, but I was all ears when Vance announced that he had single-handedly solved the childcare crisis.
It is a simple solution that costs you, the taxpayer, no money. It’s genius and proves yet again that you don’t go to Yale Law School and just come out with a fancy degree and an ability to instantly know a three-letter word for Yalie; you come out with the ability to offer solutions for America!
Though the solution was sitting right next to us at Thanksgiving dinner, it took a man who was hand-picked to become a venture capitalist and a man with the ability to elevate himself above the madding crowd to find an answer.
You want to go to work but can’t afford to pay for childcare? Well, simply call 1-800-GRANDMA, and your dilemma melts away like sitting in a Calgon bath! (Be advised, 1-800-GRANDMA is an actual phone number and probably does not provide childcare, but I hung up after the offer for a medical alert bracelet, so it might be affiliated with Vance.)
Some of you might find obvious problems with this solution like: Grandma is no longer alive; she has the pickleball court reserved at the YMCA for the morning; or she still resents you for skipping out on Thanksgiving dinner in ‘08 because you wanted to have dinner with the family of that abhorrent girlfriend you thought you might marry.
Like Frankie before him in 1983, JD Says Relax—”Shoot it in the right direction, Make making it your intention, Live those dreams, Scheme those schemes, and call your Aunt Betty or Uncle Gene!”
That’s right, if you are blessed to come from a large, kid-loving family you’ve got options and a couple of them are bound to be local unless you selfishly moved away from the ground that spawned you. That’s on you. (And if you’re a single cat lady it’s a moot point because you don’t need childcare because you’re a single cat lady who only cares about her cat and not about the future of American democracy.)
Call your Aunt Betty and see if she is doing anything for the next few months. I’m sure she’d love to watch your kids for 10 hours a day so you can work and also go to the occasional happy hour on Thursday and get half-priced margaritas. That’s just fiscally responsible.
(My Aunt Betty was my parents’ emergency contact 50 years ago when I was in preschool at the Wyomissing Institute of Fine Arts. Yes, the very same Wyomissing where my homegirl Taylor Swift grew up. One day, I was stung by a bee at recess and I cried … a lot. Apparently my crying reached the point that my presence at the school had become a distraction to the other four-year olds, and the teachers were concerned that the other children might be too scared to ever return to the playground again which would really cut into their smoke breaks, so they called my Aunt Betty who graciously came in to pick me up and take me home to her house. When my beloved Aunt Betty, who always hosted Easter and a kick ass egg hunt, arrived at the school the official overseeing this possible bee-sting disaster simply asked if I knew the woman sitting before me and instead of running into her arms and feeling safe in the bosom of a loving relative I said: “No, I do not.” This was obviously not the answer the school or my Aunt anticipated, so it took a few more minutes of questioning—”Are you sure this isn’t your Aunt Betty? Don’t you go to her house for kick ass egg hunts on Easter?” I eventually caved and allowed her to take me to her house where I’m sure she gave me milk and cookies and where she probably popped a few aspirin for her efforts. For the record, I do not have an Uncle Gene. That name just worked better with the Frankie Goes to Hollywood rhyme scheme than Chuck, Bill, Jim or Joe. Editor’s Note — Drew, a long-winded paragraph? In brackets? I’m calling you Aunt Betty.)
Though Donald Trump did not exactly echo Vance’s “rely on Aunt Betty policy,” he did recently admit that childcare is a thing when he made an appearance at the Economic Club of New York. Trump started solidly when he stated: “Childcare is childcare, and it is something you have to have in this country”. Not quite Cicero, but this tactic has proven quite helpful to spelling bee contestants for years. Make sure you understand the words and also understand the importance of knowing what country you will represent as President.
Being the gracious and loving man that we know Trump to be, he deferred to his daughter Ivanka’s efforts at making childcare affordable during his presidency. Proving yet again that Ivanka is much more than a “piece of ass” (her father’s words, not mine). Obviously, Trump is hoping that no one fact checks how Ivanka’s policy was implemented or how successful it was since Ivanka’s policy never came to fruition, but likely because it was reliant on European nannies and not on the extended families of hard-working patriots like us.
If the Republicans regain the White House, it is refreshing to know that they have a plan to solve the childcare crisis. And unlike healthcare not just the concept of a plan, but a full-blown ready for primetime plan. And if your childcare plan/relative balks at watching your shorties, just quote them some Jonathan Safran Foer before you head off to happy hour with your co-workers: “One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family.”
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