How does one shoehorn the Beatle’s ‘Rocky Racoon,’ Rivery Books, and the Card Cellar into one column about Donald Trump’s illiteracy on Easter Sunday? You give Drew Gallagher a column!
by Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
The founder of the FXBG Advance has asked us, as readers and as a society, to recognize the differences that divide us, and make a concerted effort to listen and better understand those who we disagree with. The differences and the gulf, unfortunately, will only deepen as November draws closer. Many people think that President Joe Biden is too old to preside over the nation effectively. Conversely, many people think that Donald Trump is a misogynistic, lying, golf-cheating, fearmongering, philandering, despot wannabe whose death will burn the fires of hell so warmly that it will melt glaciers and render most of the earth uninhabitable.
Both sides have valid concerns.
For a humorist, however, Donald Trump certainly provides much more fodder than Joe Biden, and thus I cannot limit myself to such nuance. Let us begin.
A few months ago, Trump released a new line of Donald-inspired sneakers at Sneaker Con in Philadelphia. When a con man like Trump goes to something with “Con” in its name, I believe that the attendees have been duly warned even if they all knew that Con was short for Convention which was lost on Trump who took the opportunity to hawk his new brand of footwear.
The most expensive sneakers — $399.99/pair — sold out in minutes according to a Trump representative and were limited to a 1,000 pair. There are lesser styles still available on his web site, along with perfume and cologne. The sneakers are not available until July, but I’m certain that they will be a big hit at basketball summer leagues everywhere (they are high tops after all).
The sneakers and fragrances apparently are not enough to offset his fines (or greed), so Trump has partnered with Lee Greenwood to release their very own version of the King James Bible for a mere $59.99.
This is, of course, no ordinary bible and not just because it is being hawked by an atheist who isn’t certain which way is up when he holds the bible in front of a church after forcefully removing peaceful protesters. This version of the Bible includes the U.S. Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Pledge of Allegiance, and the lyrics to Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to Be An American”. (If you order now, you also get a set of Ginsu knives that, people of a certain age know, can cut through empty soup cans.)
Please do not read this as disparaging the Bible in any way, but there are numerous Bibles available online at Barnes & Noble for a fraction of the $59.99, including a study bible for only $35.99. (Riverby Books in downtown Fredericksburg has soft cover Bibles for sale for $5 and hardcover for $10. Riverby is on Caroline Street where you will also find The Card Cellar, proud sponsor of this very same humor column.)
So, even if you prefer a brand new Bible to a used one for $5 at a local used bookshop, you can find one for a lot less than $59.99 and probably go online and print out the Constitution, Bill of Rights, Pledge of Allegiance, lyrics to any Lee Greenwood song along with the Magna Carta and the Book of Kells and tuck them into the binding of your new Bible for easy access at a fraction of the cost.
Some of you may be wondering at this point in the column why I have wasted so much word space on an article that hit your news feed weeks ago and was lampooned by numerous late-night hosts who are much funnier than I am.
Allow me to answer.
When Trump was selling a book that many hold dear and have passed down through generations of their family, there was a quote that struck me as odd. The quote is as follows: “All Americans need a Bible in their home, and I have many. It’s my favorite book.” Enter humorist.
It’s not odd that Trump has many Bibles because Mar A Lago is a big place. Lots of rooms. Lots of need for Gideon Bibles for when Rocky Raccoon gets shot by Dan in a shootout over a woman. What is odd, other than shoehorning a Beatles’ song into this column, is that the Bible is Trump’s favorite book. Though not readily identified as a big reader, there are a number of titles that I thought would be his favorite before The Bible.
—Stormy, Misty’s Foal by Marguerite Henry. This is the sequel to Henry’s beloved “Misty of Chincoteague” and was the main inspiration for this column because it’s not very often that you get to tie a 61-year old children’s book to a porn star who slept with a 59-year old man and was paid off illegally with $120,000.00 in campaign funds.
—Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut. One of Vonnegut’s best and often a target of those who would ban books. Trump recently announced that he recently won two, TWO!!!!!, club championships at one of his golf clubs. As such, he is certainly a champion worthy of breakfast, even if he has never won a championship at any course he does not own. I’m pretty certain that Trump has never read Vonnegut, but he might appreciate the author’s simplistic drawing of breasts even if those who would ban books find them pornographic and inappropriate for children. To wit, kids have access to Google and any search for breasts is certainly not bringing up Vonnegut drawings.
—A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. For the New York developer whose son has credited him with creating the iconic New York skyline (he did not), that is one tree too many.
—Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. The whole premise of this novel falls apart if Yossarian had simply gotten a deferment like any normal stable genius with an independently wealthy father would have. You can’t get captured or die if you’re not in the theatre of war.
—The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. These are the same grapes that Trump uses at his winery in Charlottesville which is advertised as being located in Wine Enthusiasts’ 2023 Wine Region of The Year. Please note, it does not necessarily mean that Trump wines don’t suck, but you can hop just up or down the road to find some that are really good.
—The Bible. Regardless of your political or religious affiliation, I think everyone can agree that if this truly was Trump’s favorite book the world would be a better place if he read it, or Vonnegut, or any number of authors worthy of his attention.
As Vonnegut memorably wrote, “A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.”
Amen.
