This week, Drew’s shilling for the Card Seller, begging readers to buy the Editor scotch, bemoaning Katie Britt’s speechwriter, and writing one-act plays. Confused? Just read it.
A House of Cards: Downtown Edition
By Drew Gallagher
Twelve score and eight years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal (and paraphrasing Lincoln required subtraction and carrying over numbers which made my head hurt as an English major).
Today, at the Fredericksburg Advance, we have determined that all are not created equal … at least when it comes to sponsoring the Sunday humor column.
On this historic day, The Card Cellar, located at 915 Caroline Street in downtown Fredericksburg for all of your gift buying needs, has partnered with The Fredericksburg Advance to sponsor the column that you are now reading (on a trial basis).
That trial is mostly dependent upon me continuing to write this column and you, dear reader, continuing to read this column and not wonder why the hell you are reading a 900-word paid advertisement for the Card Cellar.
But let me assure you that you, too, could have your business carved into the marble that is the history of Substacks by contacting the founding father of The Fredericksburg Advance, Marty Davis, and offering to buy him a bourbon at Rebellion.
I’m sure he will make me write another one of these in exchange for some of the finest bourbon the world has ever tasted (located at 309 William Street).
(Our legal counsel has insisted that I provide the following language before I get further into this column—The views expressed by Mr. Gallagher do not necessarily reflect the views of The Fredericksburg Advance, The Card Cellar, its owner, Bart Goldberg, or their employees because my son has been known to work at The Card Cellar, and I assure you my views almost never reflect his except when it comes to an undying hatred of the New York Yankees. Bucky Dent is the anti-Christ even if his crime against humanity preceded my son’s birth by 25 years. On that we both can agree.)
Some readers may worry that the new advertising arrangement with The Card Cellar might compromise my ability to reflect upon the world without bias. As any reader of this column already knows, I have deep-seated biases that cannot be swayed by corporate sponsorship unless Abigail Spanberger wins the Virginia governorship and appoints me as Secretary of Levity.
Then, I will nod sagely from my throne in Richmond and wonder how I can make fun of the people groveling before me without naming them specifically.
(I figure the easiest way around it is to simply rename Virginia the Commonwealth of Amazonia and instead of the Goddess Virtus standing over a defeated despot, we can make the new state seal a drone dropping explosives into an independent bookseller like Riverby Books, just down the street from The Card Cellar at 805 Caroline Street. Ooooh, and no one has considered selling the naming rights to states…Abby, DM me! I also have thoughts on levitating my Throne of Levity.)
There are also readers who might be curious how best to support would-be advertisers of The Fredericksburg Advance or, more specifically, of this humor column. (One avid reader, Drew from King George, has already expressed shock that the sponsorship deal was not signed in a bar. To which I would respond, there is ample room on this Ship of Fools [RIP Karl Wallinger] for more sponsors. I would like to take a moment to congratulate J. Brian’s Taproom on 30 years of serving the thirsty patrons of Fredericksburg at 200 Hanover Street.)
For those of you wondering how best to support advertisers, specifically The Card Cellar located at 915 Caroline Street for all of your gift buying needs, I have prepared a one-act play to dramatize the importance of The Card Cellar in the global economy. (A column and a one-act play for a mere $8/month!)
SETTING: DOWNTOWN FREDERICKSBURG, VIRGINIA, AWASH IN SUNSHINE AND STEEPED IN THE BLOOD OF PATRIOTS. (Dammit, I said I was against hiring Katie Britt’s speech writer as an unpaid intern for this exact reason. Not everything has to be steeped in the blood of patriots. And no kitchens either. Unless you find yourself in need of new cookware, then I would recommend Whittingham located at 1021 Caroline Street for all of your kitchen needs.)
Imagine, dear paid subscriber, you find yourself needing Pokémon cards, reasonably priced earrings and bracelets, a spring outfit, drink coasters lauding the benefits of coffee and alcohol, socks that you can wear to your next corporate meeting that show your co-workers what you really think of said meeting, AND a place to play a quick game of Pac Man on a retro arcade machine for only a quarter. Where on earth might you find such an array of necessities?
Then rising like Olympus above the Serengeti, you spot a windowed store front at 915 Caroline Street glistening in the abundant sunshine and most assuredly not in the blood of patriots. (The Hugh Mercer Apothecary Shop is open most days from 10 to 4 for all of your patriotic needs located at 1020 Caroline Street.) There is birdsong in the background which, to your finely attuned ear for avians, sounds like the birds are both hungry and dirty. Fortunately, Wren and Sparrow at 807 Caroline Street has plenty of seed and a variety of bathing options for the birds in your life.
You wander into the store as if you’ve been dipped in magic waters. Overwhelmed by the breadth of the reasonably priced offerings before you, you may even shed a grateful tear. Then you will assuredly find yourself wondering if the store’s proprietor could be even more handsome. (Hint: He cannot be…at least until he ends his sponsorship of this column.)
In a dazed state of bliss, you ask the most handsome man you’ve ever seen: “Is this Heaven?” He smiles, eyes sparkling like two diamonds from Ulman’s Jewelry, excellence since 1928, and says: “No, this is The Card Cellar. Welcome home.”
Happy shopping! And tell them The Fredericksburg Advance sent you.
