HUMOR: Abigail Spanberger is da bomb!

by Drew Gallagher
”HUMORIST”

Editor’s Note: We just came through THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIFE!, only to find out that 2024 brings THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIFE! Somewhere between Old Fashions at Rebellion, Manhattans at Curitiba, and Russian Stouts at Capital Ale, the FXBG Advance brain trust decided what we need in the New Year to deal with it all is some humor. So we looked down the bar, woke up Drew Gallagher, and knighted him Humorist. He’s off to a great start, looking toward THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIFE1 (2025 version) in hopes of landing a job – good luck with that, Drew. We’re glad to be your fallback plan.

I had tried to come up with an opening that might catch a reader’s attention—namely Ms. Spanberger’s—because the task before me is a daunting one. And if Ms. Spanberger is elected Governor of Virginia in 2025 I’d like to be on the right side of history and maybe get a job on her staff if they have an opening for an unpaid “humorist.” (My editor made me use quotes because he is not entirely certain this idea of me as humorist at Fredericksburg Advance is going to work.)

Plus, at this early point in the history of The Fredericksburg Advance, she’s probably our most famous reader since she is a Virginia Congresswoman, which narrowly beats out Spotsylvania Circuit Court Judge William Glover (unless I am wrongfully tried for a felony in Spotsylvania then Judge Glover is our most famous reader, unless the matter is before Judge Rigual and then I dub him our most famous reader but I’ll have to make sure he is an Advance subscriber before committing my felony with wrongful trial).

And I met Ms. Spanberger in person at the ribbon cutting ceremony for the Fredericksburg Advance and she was remarkably charismatic and a thoughtful conversationalist which was a welcome and unexpected change in a day that started with a prostate exam. (Shout out to my very kind and competent family physician with gracefully thin fingers.)

Going forward in this space, I promise to never talk about my prostate again or any other medical conditions unless they involve my friend Dale who has had a lot of medical conditions and, as an unpaid humorist, I can’t hamstring myself by ignoring Dale’s assorted medical conditions and their vast potential for humor.

Dale recently had two spots removed from his face and he was prescribed some chemo cream to treat the skin. Though I was forbidden to see Dale during the two- week applications of this cream, apparently his face started to melt off and looked like Peter Gabriel’s album cover from 1980. The peeling away of facial skin layers through chemistry was also apparently unbearably painful especially when he took a shower.

I felt awful for Dale until he made the executive decision to start De’Von Achane over James Cook at flex in the first round of the playoffs for the fantasy football team we co-own. Dale can now return to public outings without us having to worry about possibly winning our fantasy football playoffs.

I will also never use the word “polecat” in this space. I was born and raised in Pennsylvania and polecats do not exist there.

I once saw a dog get sprayed by a skunk in the streets around Fenway Park in 1978 and the dog’s owner yelled, somewhat incredulously: “A f***ing skunk?” There was no mention of a polecat.

I have no intention of ever addressing my readership as “yinz” which is the Western Pennsylvania equivalent of “y’all”. I’m from Eastern Pennsylvania which is the cool part of the state. I can’t say anything about “y’all” because my wife and children all use the contraction and no good can come from my declaring that “all of you” is grammatically correct if you don’t want to use “you” and cause confusion that seems to be located exclusively south of the Mason-Dixon Line. (One of my favorite lines of all-time: “Y’all say Youse? That’s horrible!” Who says there is no irony in grammar?)

I will occasionally talk about sports and my hallowed place in the sports universe, which includes still holding a Berks County record in high school soccer for allowing the most goals in a game to a single player. Jamie Christie led visiting Oley Valley High School by scoring seven goals against me as goalie in a lopsided 11-0 victory in 1987. I don’t remember all 11 goals from that night, but I do vividly recall one shot that Jamie took which he hit so hard that it was by me before I could finish my skillful leap and hit the crossbar and ricocheted off the said crossbar, into the back of my head, and then back across the goal line. He and his teammates celebrated like it was a goal that none of them had ever seen before.

I will occasionally talk about such friends, like my next-door neighbor Tyrone who said if my blind and deaf dog took another crap in his front yard he was going to put the offering somewhere other than our trashcan. I include this only to show pre-meditation.

I am the second most prolific book reviewer in the history of The Free Lance-Star newspaper. More than one editor during my career as a book reviewer (which continues with Fredericksburg Advance and The Washington Independent Review of Books) has had to go to upper management to see if one of my book reviews was suitable for a family newspaper.

Of my three editors at FLS, none are still practicing journalism. I apologize if I had anything to do with their career changes, but I like to think of them as happier in their new life ventures.

In a not-so-subtle nod to this tendency to expand the book review form and end the careers of book page editors, the editors at the Advance have created this big open space for me to explore as I see fit on Sundays. Unless the big open space is sold to Amazon for data centers.

I am also quite bad at supporting and helping candidates win office. I knocked on doors for Hillary Clinton in 2008 when she lost. I knocked on doors and worked the polls for Baron Braswell in his bid to become a Spotsylvania Supervisor. Baron is a very nice and intelligent man who is capable of holding any office. He lost. (I did also hand out literature on behalf of Nicole Cole and she won so I’ll take that.) I worked on behalf of candidate Michael Bush in the most recent election in an effort to help him get elected to the Spotsylvania Board of Supervisors. Michael is a dynamic young man who gives hope for the future of politics and the engagement of the next generation. He lost. (I did also hand out literature on behalf of Carol Medawar and Sheriff Roger Harris and they both won so maybe my political work is best served in a peripheral presence.)

But I can say with pride that I knocked on doors for Abigail Spanberger and, dammit, she won! When I met Ms. Spanberger I mentioned my efforts on her behalf but also noted that many of the other people in the room—namely Baron and Michael since Hillary did not make the ribbon cutting—had lost with my help. Spanberger looked at me and asked a question that I hope to kick around more broadly: “Did I win because of you or in spite of you?” The question displayed an innate cleverness that I’ll try to equal in this space without, hopefully, having anyone quit journalism unless it’s for a job in the Governor’s mansion.

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