Dino porn seems to be a thing. It started in Texas – of course.
There are inherent problems in writing a column a few weeks before it is scheduled to run for an audience. Foremost is the fact that the world changes in real time. What is topical today may not be topical in three weeks or three hours depending upon the news cycle. Conversely, I do not sit upon a wellspring of funny ideas for columns and do not have a stable of writers at my beck and call as the Friday night deadline approaches, so I try to have something remotely funny in the queue ahead of time.
(There are only so many ways to say my neighbor Tyrone sucks at fishing and trying to expand that to 900 words would make even Sisyphus shake his head in sympathy between boulder rolls.)
I foresee a day where my recurring nightmare of the realization at the end of semester that I did not attend a certain class and therefore will not graduate college is going to be replaced by a nightmare where I’m writing about colored loofahs in The Villages in Florida only to have my editor Vanessa text me and tell me that colored loofahs are only for washing and not for indicating that the owner of the loofah is open to position 118 in the Kama Sutra.
Coupled with the dread of a column no longer being timely is the existential dread of writing my final column without knowing it might actually be my final column. As the poet and Trump pep rally session man Steven Patrick Morrissey once warned, we never know when a double-decker bus or ten-ton truck might run into us. So, when I write a column about Dinosaur Erotica, it is with some hesitation because I know it could be fodder at my untimely memorial service where my close family and friends will be tempted, between heart rending sobs, to say: “Drew died doing what he loved. Writing about T-Rex sex with women.”
Let the record show that I have not in fact read any dinosaur erotica and did not know that such a genre existed until I read Kirsten Miller’s fantastic new novel Lula Dean’s Little Library of Banned Books where she referenced a title in the little-known genre. The book itself has nothing to do with dinosaur erotica, but there is a big reveal at novel’s end where a bitter and unenlightened citizen of the town wants to burn and censor books while parenting for the rest of the town until her ostracized children point out that she’s a hypocrite who likes to read about dinosaurs having sex with women which most certainly did not happen in the frequently banned Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. At least not in the movie version.
Lula Dean is fiction (well, maybe not the bitter woman wanting to ban books and parent an entire town part), but apparently dinosaur erotica is alive and well and available on Amazon in kindle version. I had considered ordering Taken by the T-Rex (the title mentioned in Miller’s novel), but there is no such thing as buying a book online without leaving a footprint that is sold to others with similar interests.
(When I ordered my free The Kids Guide to President Trump for a column, I did not consider that I was then going to be bombarded by emails from like-minded conservatives who needed me to help save the country in the next 15 minutes, or the Democrats were going to ruin this great country by allowing immigrants to invade our borders and eat all the apple pie our mothers baked.
If you had told 10-year-old me that one day I’d be getting letters from former Dodgers’ legend Steve Garvey, I would have thought that life turned out just as I had imagined. The modern reality is that I disagree with Mr. Garvey on most things including philandering. Though Garvey is not in the Baseball Hall of Fame, if there was a Hall of Fame for womanizing he and his Christian values would be a first ballot inductee.)
So, I did not order Taken by the T-Rex for fear of getting emails that were certainly not going to lightly pass through my work computer’s email filters, but the online summary fills in the important parts. The plot appears to require a significant suspension of disbelief because, as most fifth graders can tell you, dinosaurs and humans did not share the earth at the same time let alone share a bed.
The premise of Taken by the T-Rex seems to be nothing more than a “Beowulf” knock off. A T-Rex, which predates Grendel by a number of geological periods, is terrorizing a tribe of cave people, and so they relocate to a new settlement hoping the T-Rex will not follow. Of course the T-Rex does follow this ready source of protein, and it is left to the tribe’s chief huntress, Drin, to fend off the great beast which she apparently does by having sex with it. “Beowulf” would have been much different if the hero had sex with Grendel’s mother instead of cutting off her head, but in a hazy light one can see the seed of inspiration for Taken by the T-Rex when you read: “At last, he notices a sword hanging on the wall, an enormous weapon forged for giants. Beowulf seizes the huge sword and swings it in a powerful arc.”
Taken by the T-Rex was written by Christie Sims and Alara Branwen which are pseudonyms because, one would assume, they’d like to have lives not weighted down by the groupies that would certainly flock to book signings dressed as amorous huntresses or T-Rexes looking to bang a gong. Sims and Branwen started writing dino erotica as students at Texas A&M, and since that time they seem to have written most of the readily available titles in the genre. Although A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay was written by Hunter Fox which still could be Sims and Branwen with the pen name they employ for gay dinosaur erotica.
I sincerely hope not to shuffle off this mortal coil in the near future, especially after just learning about dinosaur erotica. A genre that Wikipedia is quick to note does not include avian dinosaurs, so you apparently have to find your pterodactyl porn in a separate section of the library. But literature has always been a fickle beast and not one easily tamed by a willing huntress named Drin.
Follow us on Facebook
Local Obituaries
To view local obituaries or to send a note to family and loved ones, please visit our website at the link that follows.
Support Award-winning, Locally Focused Journalism
The FXBG Advance cuts through the talking points to deliver both incisive and informative news about the issues, people, and organizations that daily affect your life. And we do it in a multi-partisan format that has no equal in this region. Over the past month, our reporting was:
$8 a month supports great journalism
- First to report on a Spotsylvania School teacher arrested for bringing drugs onto campus.
- First to report on new facility fees leveled by MWHC on patient bills.
- First to detail controversial traffic numbers submitted by Stafford staff on the Buc-ee’s project
- Provided extensive coverage of the cellphone bans that are sweeping local school districts.
- And so much more, like Clay Jones, Drew Gallagher, Hank Silverberg, and more.
For just $8 a month, you can help support top-flight journalism that puts people over policies.
Your contributions 100% support our journalists.
Help us as we continue to grow!
