Could Abraham Lincoln stick an 8-iron? Is Biden even allowed to drive a golf cart? Does Trump play at Bushwood? Did George Washington use Adams Tight Lies? Has Drew switched to Disc Golf?
Editor’s Note: This column, and the humor columns for the next few weeks, were written prior to Drew having surgery. I visited Drew on Tuesday, and other than what he was wearing — it’s a hospital, you figure it out — he looked pretty good. Tyrone happened to be there when I arrived, and all I can say is, as soon as Drew is up to it, we need to get both on the podcast. The most important thing, of course, is that Drew came through surgery with flying colors thanks to his robotic friend, and he is recovering slowly, but nicely. Get well, Drew!
As Democrats endorse a candidate to run against Donald Trump in November, one key takeaway from the first presidential debate was the increasing importance of the game of golf in selecting the next leader of the Free World. It became obvious to any viewer that this presidential election, the most important in our nation’s history for at least the next four years, is not about policy but about par.
When Donald Trump, aged 78, threw down the golf gloves, he challenged Joe Biden to a round of golf or a driving contest to prove that he is both physically and mentally superior to his elder of three years. One can assume that he meant driving the golf ball because it’s hard to believe that either of these senior citizens has driven a car anywhere but their miles long driveways in the past few decades. Which actually does invite an interesting question as to whether or not either of the candidates has a drivers’ license or has taken the vision test recently. Is there a DMV deferment for bone spurs in your braking foot as there was for the DMZ?
Trump said Biden could not drive a golf ball more than 50 yards and Joe, rallying from his jet lag and cold medicine-induced coma, responded by citing the 6-handicap he attained during his vice presidency under Barack Obama. Biden then tried to do some quick math in his head, and that failed miserably before Trump, quick to salvage the tenor of the debate, begged for them not to act like children and then referred to Biden as “Mr. Poopy Pants” and Biden asked if they’d like to compare putters right there on stage. (I was told this last part did not actually happen. I had already turned off the television because, as Drew from King George aptly noted, continuing to watch the debate was causing irreparable damage to human souls.)
The sparring over tee to green prowess was infantile by any measure but, among world leaders, both men pale in comparison to former North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il who once posted an unprecedented 38-under par at Pyongyang Golf Course the first time he ever played the sport. One of the many advantages to being a despot is being able to embellish your golf scorecard. Let the human rights scorecard be damned along with any who question the gimme putt the Supreme Leader took on 14 from 18-feet.
The topic of golfing presidents, however, did merit reflection on previous presidents and how good they were at golf as opposed to navigating the Bay of Pigs invasion and nuclear annihilation or defeating the Desert Fox in North Africa during World War II. The links exploits of many presidents are well known (the safest place to stand when Gerald Ford teed off was in the middle of the fairway), but the play of a couple of our greatest presidents has never been thoroughly researched or documented…until now.
Though the popularity of golf and the proliferation of golf courses in the United States did not begin until the late 1800s, golf arrived on this side of the Atlantic in the 1600s when Scotsmen brought their hobby with them to South Carolina. The first golf course in the U.S. is believed to have opened in 1794 in Savannah, Georgia, but the internet has numerous claims of older courses in the colonies existing prior to that time. As such, it is feasible that George Washington, who was born in 1731 or 1732 depending upon which calendar you are using, could have played a round of golf or two in his lifetime.
I approached Dr. Robyn Davis, Associate Professor of History and Department Chair at Millersville University in Pennsylvania, to ask her if Washington’s love of the game had eluded scholars to this point.
“I know of no instance of golf in his life,” said Davis who couched her comments in the fact that she is not a George Washington expert and that she was at the airport and only had a few minutes to catch a flight to The American Historical Association Chair’s Workshop at Northwestern University. (That mouthful alone makes her a Washington expert for the purposes of this column.) “The physical activity that George Washington was consumed with and spent time practicing was dancing.”
“The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there,” she offered, citing the opening of the novel The Go-Between by LP Hartley.
Michelle Hamilton, Manager of Mary Washington House in Fredericksburg, confirmed that there is no actual evidence of Washington golfing as a boy but did note that there is a set of antique golf clubs in the basement of Mary Washington House.
“No one knows how the clubs got there,” said Hamilton. “But we like to joke that Mary took them away from George because he was losing too many balls while trying to hit a ball across the Rappahannock.”
History is unclear on if the failed golf attempts may have led George to throwing coins from his Ferry Farm backyard to the banks of Fredericksburg at age 10 because he found it easier than hitting a stiff 8-iron into a breeze.
So, I turned my focus to another chiseled face on Mount Rushmore to see if maybe Abraham Lincoln had ever taken a swipe at a Titleist. Lincoln was born in 1809, so it is quite possible that the nation’s 16th president knocked the little white ball around before establishing himself as one of the greatest presidents in the history of our country. I reached out to Jonathan White, a professor of American Studies at Christopher Newport University and one of the foremost Lincoln scholars in the United States. Dr. White has written a number of books on Lincoln and won the Gilder Lehrman Lincoln Prize in 2023 for his book A House Built By Slaves: African American Visitors to the Lincoln White House.
“I think there’s some pretty sound evidence that Lincoln was an avid golfer,” said White. “I recall seeing him wave to Happy Gilmore back in 1996 to congratulate Happy on his big win over Shooter McGavin. It was a very special moment.”
Some might argue that the evidence of Lincoln’s presence in an Adam Sandler movie is flimsy evidence of his golf skills and is overshadowed by his notable failure to talk about how far he could hit a golf ball during his legendary debates with Stephen A. Douglas. But in the glaring spotlight of a presidential debate, Lincoln could always fall back on emancipating the slaves and abolishing slavery. Once upon a time, that was more important to voters than whether or not he could stick his 7-iron from 150 yards.
(The Card Cellar, located at 915 Caroline Street, has some autographed photos of golfers though no photos of Trump, Biden, or To Be Determined.)
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