By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
As resident humorist for the Advance, I’ve seen my role in the community evolve into something more than simply making people laugh and pissing off Drew from King George. I’ve come to accept that I am here to fight the unbeatable foe; To bear with unbearable sorrow; To run where the brave dare not go; and to offer a potential Halloween mixtape to the world.
(Understanding that the last mixtape I produced was designed to capture the heart of a girl in high school who unfortunately did not see the romance in the lyric, “And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us, to die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine” from the Smiths’ song “There is a Light That Never Goes Out”. She’d probably kill to be crushed between the grille of a large truck and the seat-belted shoulder of a distinguished humorist these days. More fool her.)
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There is a noticeable void in the landscape of Halloween songs, and it’s too much heavy lifting for Bobby Pickett’s “Monster Mash” to go it alone. As such, I offer up this mixtape or “Play list” (in the lexicon of the young) to help the readership of the Advance reach their full Spotify potential.
First out of the crypt are two songs by the band Too Much Joy. Too Much Joy is a band that formed in Scarsdale, New York, in the 1980s and once upon a time received airplay on radio station WHFS (out of DC and Baltimore) that was the coolest radio station of all-time until 2005 when they switched to a Tropical Latin format. Nothing against Tropical Latin music, but they weren’t going to play Too Much Joy and they weren’t going to give me the opportunity to stalk Too Much Joy lead singer Tim Quirk on Facebook and ask him if they considered themselves a “Halloween” band.
“We never said to ourselves, ‘Let’s write a Halloween song’”, replied a very gracious Quirk. “So if we wound up with two on a Halloween playlist, that’s just because there are plenty of monsters in real life. Oftentimes it’s ourselves.” Very deep, Tim Quirk.
—In honor of Too Much Joy and the profundity of Tim Quirk, “Pride of Frankenstein” (1991) and “Sort of Haunted House” (1992) are now entombed as songs on a Halloween playlist even if that was not their original intent. “Pride of Frankenstein” especially speaks to me with: “Sometimes I feel like that village idiot, a babbling fool that children should avoid.” Sage advice.
–“Pet Semetary” by The Ramones (1989)—Soon after the Ramones recorded this song, I had the opportunity to interview Joey Ramone after a concert at the then-named Mary Washington College. A very sweaty and loquacious Joey described the experience of playing MWC as: “It was hot, and it was wild.” Perhaps not quite as profound as Tim Quirk, but perfect for Joey Ramone. I have never liked horror movies (in another failed effort at high school courtship, I watched one of the Friday the 13th movies with a wrestling cheerleader and her friends in 1986 and missed Dave Henderson’s home run off Donnie Moore and vowed never again), but I liked this song even if I never read the book by Stephen King. Gabba Gabba Hey.
–“The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead” by XTC (1992)—It has pumpkin in its title, but like most songs on this list it has nothing to do with Halloween. I never got to interview lead singer Andy Partridge at MWC because he suffered from crippling stage fright and they only ever toured the United States once in their career and skipped Fredericksburg. He probably would have been less energetic on stage and therefore less sweaty than Joey Ramone.
–“The Ghost at Number One” by Jellyfish (1993)—The fact that there was a time in this world where this song would hold a spot on the Billboard charts (number 9 with a bullet!) makes my heart happy. The ghost in this song may be referring to ELO singer Jeff Lynne and his lack of talent (as perceived by Jellyfish) and being nothing more than a parrot of all things Beatles, but this song has one part that sounds an awful lot like it was penned by Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys, so as an artistic reminder, those who live in glass houses should not throw eggs at houses on Halloween because if you’re caught by the homeowner you might have to clean the windows and be grounded by your very angry parents…or so I’ve been told.
–“The Ghost in You” by Psychedelic Furs (1984)—A Halloween love song! Alas, it’s not really about Halloween, but rather about a woman who is tragically killed and how her former lover cannot live life without her, and her ghost remains inside him. For some unfathomable reason, we used to slow dance to this dirge in junior high.
–“All You Zombies” by The Hooters (1982)—A song that was banned by some radio stations because it mentioned Moses and Noah but was not accusing them of being zombies. They did kind of slag on Moses for breaking half of the Commandments but praised Noah for saving the Israelites. But most of all, the Hooters wanted me to live my best life and not live like a zombie. Unfortunately, Pac Man came out on Atari soon thereafter and that dream was dead.
–“If We Were Vampires” by Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit (2020)—Yet another Halloween love song! Maybe I should consider some of these songs for an upcoming Valentine’s mixtape. Isbell and his wife Amanda Shires wrote this song together as it ponders the question of our mortality and how, if a couple were vampires and could live forever, they would be able to live as one for eternity and not face the prospect of one of the lovers outliving the other. It is poignant and beautiful. Isbell and Shires divorced earlier this year.
–”The Ghost of Tom Joad” by Bruce Springsteen (1995)—I’m not a huge Springsteen fan, but the real horror in this song is that it was covered by Rage Against the Machine. (And before their fans rage against me, I recognize that Springsteen is a huge Tom Morello fan and probably enjoyed the song as the tribute it was intended to be, but it doesn’t mean it should have been done. You want a cover? Go find Dexys Midnight Runners doing “Both Sides Now”. Pure genius but not Halloweeny.)
–“Diggin’ Up Bones” by Randy Travis (1986)—At this point, my editors are probably wondering if this column is nothing more than a list of songs I really like pulled from the nearby CD collection in my office. As evidence to the contrary, I offer up this awful song by Randy Travis. Admittedly, I am not a country music fan, but I can tolerate some country music (Zach Bryan, come on down); I cannot tolerate this song by Randy Travis. It sounds like church music and then does a hard turn into grave robbing. Tropical Latin music has to be better.
–“Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon (1978)—A fitting end to this mixtape because Zevon described it as “a dumb song for smart people”. Many have described this column in a similar way. (Honorable Mention to Zevon’s “Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner” with its modern take on “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”. Well, not really.)
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