Seems Drew has a passion for the kazoo, and he has the chance of a lifetime this coming Saturday. Is he up to the task? Read on …
Some men and women are born to a moment. George Washington to lead a fledgling army and then a fledgling country. Abraham Lincoln to steer a country through the Civil War and undo the abomination of enslaving our fellow man. Rosa Parks to refuse to give up her bus seat because her feet were tired (literally) and her heart was tired (metaphorically). David Ortiz to hit a walk-off home run in game five and then a walk-off single in game six of the American League Championship Series to lead the Red Sox to the 2004 American League pennant and then a long-awaited World Series title.
These were some of the people and some of the moments in history that leapt to mind when I was recently offered an opportunity to fulfill a similar role in America’s history—to help lead a kazoo band in the Fredericksburg Halloween parade on Saturday, October 26th. The first thing I did was ask Alexa to play “Lose Yourself” by Eminem (and not because I had any concerns that I and a bunch of costumed children might be playing that on kazoo for the Halloween parade because I was assured I would only have to learn “Ghostbusters”).
I’ve often been asked how I would react to an invitation to participate in a kazoo band and simply quoted Mr. Eminem: “Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted, one moment, would you catch it or let it slip?” I was not going to let this slip and then, to further tap into my inner Eminem, I interrupted whatever my wife was doing and asked if she could make us spaghetti on the night of the 25th so I could throw it up and stain the sweater I wanted to wear to the next day’s Halloween parade just like in the song.
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She then reminded me that our son had one of his final college football games in New Jersey on the 26th and we would be out of town.
After a moment of silence, I asked if she thought our son, our firstborn, might understand that like Alexander Hamilton in the original Broadway cast recording I was not throwing away my shot of playing in a kazoo band and that this was my only opportunity to blow…into a kazoo, in a marching band. She, too, paused for what I assume was dramatic effect and asked if I ever actually listened to the words coming out of my mouth.
Beyond the football game, I had some other reservations about the kazoo band and needed to get answers just in case the football game did not work out and I was able to fulfill my destiny. So I called my asthma doctor, Dr. John Mozena of Allergy Partners of Fredericksburg, to see if “marching” a few short blocks humming into a kazoo with small children was something he thought I could handle. Dr. Mozena seemed a bit confused at first because he thought I was calling about an actual medical problem. When I explained the situation and my concerns, I thought I could hear him murmur the Hippocratic Oath although his translation seemed a bit different than the one I learned in Latin class.
“Drew, I think that would be a very safe activity for you to participate in,” said Dr. Mozena.
At this point, I reminded Dr. Mozena that I once spent a week in a bubble in 1976 due to my asthma. It was also in the same hospital where Taylor Swift would be born a short 13 years later.
“I do not think that marching in a kazoo band and humming into a plastic tube poses much of a health risk to you at this time,” he said with waning patience. “Do you need any refills on your inhaler prescriptions?”
I was troubled by his lack of reflection on my medical concerns or his lack of awe that Taylor Swift was born mere feet from where I was born. However, he had introduced another factor into the fulfilling of my destiny that needed to become my immediate priority and that was if a plastic or metal kazoo sounded better in a marching band made up mostly of children wearing masks. I knew from elementary school that having the right instrument (flutophone) could make all the difference between an audience fleeing the auditorium at Lausch Elementary School sobbing and in excruciating aural pain or sitting, mesmerized with fewer tears, listening to a version of “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” that they had never realized could be brought so gloriously into this world.
I reached out to a musical expert as well as a musician who had a song featured in the movie “There’s Something About Mary” and asked them to opine on the kazoo debate.
“Thanks for the opportunity to address this critical matter in the world of music,” said Dr. Joe Cernuto, Assistant Professor of Music and Director of Bands at Millersville University of Pennsylvania.
Many a family has been torn asunder by this great debate – plastic, or metal – when discussing the selection of ‘God’s instrument’ – the kazoo. I can assure you that I hold the definitive answer to this important question which continually arose during my doctoral studies in conducting. Plastic sounds better. Metal is louder.
So which is more important in an outdoors endeavor…better timbre and pitch (plastic) or volume and projection (metal)? Most pundits would argue that metal would be the obvious choice to project and scare the bejesus out of any nearby listener. I would argue that a more tempered approach – one that blends the mellifluous timbre of plastic kazoos with the sharp, biting tone of metal – would be the appropriate and balanced way to go. An ideal combination would be 60% metal kazoos and 40% plastic kazoos – blending the power and tone for maximum effect.
There – I have answered the call and thrown down the gauntlet. I stake my professional reputation, three degrees in music, and nearly 20 years of professional experience on my expertise in this area.
I had no doubt that Dr. Cernuto was a fine musician and a great leader of bands, but he did not have a song in “There’s Something About Mary,” so I contacted Chris Trapper who is the lead singer of the band The Push Stars and penned “Everything Shines” which is arguably the best song on the entire soundtrack and a work of inspired genius.
“In my opinion every kazoo is equally irritating,” said Trapper.
“And yet, simple to play and, in the end, musically beautiful.”
Trapper did not get me any closer to the existential choice of kazoo, but his song “Avalanche” has garnered over 16 million clicks on Spotify so he certainly added legitimacy to this column.
As my wife reminded me, my attendance at the Halloween parade is unlikely due to a conflict with an apparently immovable Christopher Newport University football game, but I encourage readers and their children to attend and participate.
The parade starts at 9:30 a.m. and it is open to all with participants lining up at 9 a.m. at the VRE Lot B (Caroline and Frederick Streets). Bring your kazoo (metal or plastic), and hopefully, I’ll be able to fulfill my life’s purpose in 2025.
Editor’s Note: The Fredericksburg Advance is the sponsor for the “News Is Not Dead” Kazoo Band. We are inviting all ex-journalists to march in the News Is Not Dead parade. We will provide costumes that include a fedora, a tie, a blue plastic large trumpet kazoo, and an oversized jacket.
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