(FXBG Advance Humorist Drew Gallagher has called a press conference for today. Cable television reporters are on site because the column does not work without the presence of a television reporter.)
News Anchor Named Dan:
We now join our reporter who is on location in Spotsylvania with some breaking news.
On Location Reporter:
Thank you, Dan. We are on location in Spotsylvania at the Vinny’s Italian Restaurant off Leavells Road. We are waiting to hear from FXBG Advance Humorist Drew Gallagher who has called an unscheduled press conference for this morning.
News Anchor Named Dan:
Do we have any idea what the press conference is about? Or why you are there?
On Location Reporter:
Well, Dan, apparently it was a very slow news day. As to Drew’s topic, this is a middle-aged white male who could feel a need to apologize for any number of transgressions in his life or, in a historical context, apologize for centuries of transgressions and atrocities committed by white males like him. Or it’s possible that he is announcing the release of the song that he co-wrote for the Irish band Salt Hill. Truthfully, we are as intrigued as you are.
News Anchor Named Dan:
Intrigued might be a bit of an overstatement. Do you know why he chose Vinny’s at 11 a.m. on a Sunday?
On Location Reporter:
I was able to speak with his wife and she said that it’s because they have Red Molly on tap and he wanted to beat the post-church lunch rush. I did ask his wife if she was staying for the press conference and she said, “No, I told him not to wear a stupid t-shirt, and he wouldn’t listen. I’m going for a run to think about some of the life choices I have made.”
News Anchor Named Dan:
Well now I am intrigued. Sounds like Drew might be day drinking before the presser and also might have made a poor wardrobe choice. Any idea what that choice might consist of?
On Location Reporter:
Drew has a particular fondness for Life is Good t-shirts that he has owned for years with holes around the collar, but he’s also partial to a John Prine concert shirt which, it should be noted, he did not attend. He has quite a few t-shirts from the Kurt Vonnegut Museum as well. Regardless of the shirt, we can be confident that he will have it tucked into a pair of belted cargo shorts. Dan, it appears he is approaching the podium now.
News Anchor Named Dan:
Is it a podium or a lectern? Can you get clarification on that?
On Location Reporter:
It’s whichever one is smaller and may have been borrowed from Battlefield Elementary School across the street.
(Humorist approaches lectern dressed in an olive-green Kurt Vonnegut Museum t-shirt with a red asterisk on the front. The shirt is tucked into a pair of belted cargo pants. He is holding a large pitcher of beer which he places on a table next to the lectern—which is smaller than a podium.)
Humorist:
Thank you all for coming. (He pours himself a beer and drains half the mug before continuing.) As Fredericksburg’s second funniest humorist, I try above all else to be true to my readers. Actually, I try above all else to make them chortle because who doesn’t love a good chortle? But a close second is being truthful to my readers. No, wait, I think second is probably making fun of JD Vance having sex with couches which isn’t actually being truthful to my readers, but it has yet to be disproven. And third is pointing out the hypocrisy of Moms for Liberty having threesomes. Oh, and I thought my piece on gay dolphins was pretty good. And I do enjoy talking about how bad Tyrone is at fishing…sorry, truth is probably further down the list. But on today’s topic I am being truthful. (He holds up his hands to show that none of his fingers are crossed.)
Donald Trump recently questioned whether or not Kamala Harris actually worked at McDonald’s as a teenager. He was speaking in front of a crowd that was larger than the one here today…but that is only because of the fire code…and said that Ms. Harris never worked at McDonald’s. I want to assure everyone that in the mid-1980s I did work at the Burger King in Exeter off Route 422.
I’ll now take questions. (He finishes his beer and pours another.)
On Location Reporter:
Do you have any proof that you worked at Burger King? Photos or pay stubs?
Humorist:
No, I do not, but I have witnesses. You have to understand that we were dressed in brown corduroy pants, with a brown corduroy vest over an orange checkered collared shirt, with flat-brimmed trucker hats, and worked over boiling grease for eight hours which did a number on our complexions so there was no desire to capture those images for posterity. We felt strongly that any photos in those outfits would assure us of never having sex again. Or, in some cases, for the first time.
On Location Reporter:
Donald Trump said that Kamala Harris never cooked French fries. Did you ever work the fry board at Burger King?
Humorist:
(Drinks some more and takes a long pause.) No, I was never allowed to work the fry board. (Humorist bows his head and pinches the bridge of his nose in a gesture of humility as gasps, that could be generously classified as astonishment, break out amongst the gathered audience.)
On Location Reporter:
So you are telling us that you never worked over French fries just as Trump intimated?
Humorist:
No, I was only ever allowed to work the Whopper Board. Please understand that this is one of the great embarrassments in my life. That and allowing the most goals ever by a single player in a high school soccer match in the history of Berks County. I had friends who were allowed to work the fry board at Burger King and they would make themselves orders of chicken tenders and fries by simply putting them down as “waste” on a piece of paper that was taped near the fryers. I could not waste a Whopper. That would be too obvious, so I was hungry for most of my shift.
On Location Reporter:
How many goals did you allow in a single game, and are your so-called witnesses here today?
Humorist:
I allowed seven goals to Jamie Christie at a home match against Oley Valley in 1987. They beat us 11-0. But I’d like to point out that Jamie did go on to play semi pro, minor league, indoor soccer so I think that proves he was good more than I was just a bad goalie. (Humorist drinks more beer. Tries to get the waitress’ attention for another pitcher.) As to my witnesses, they are not here. I called them and they both live in Pennsylvania and they both, unfortunately, had to mow their lawns today. Please understand the fry board is a great embarrassment to my wife and children, and I hope you can respect our privacy as we deal with this as a family. (He pauses, dramatically, and places a fist under his nose to stifle a snob…or a burp.) You can imagine the pain when I had to tell my 16-year-old daughter that her father was never good enough to work the fry board.
On Location Reporter:
Can you identify the witnesses you mentioned?
Humorist:
I did ask them if I could provide their names, but they both said, in strikingly similar profanity, that under no circumstance was I to share their names. I’ve known them both for nearly 40 years, and I was the best man in both of their weddings. Sharing their names would be an unforgivable betrayal of trust. (Takes a drink of beer.) They are Chris Malinowski and Rob Farr. I can spell those names if necessary. They are both on Facebook.
(The waitress enters with another pitcher of Red Molly and whispers in the ear of the Humorist.)
Humorist:
I’m sorry, I was just told that Vinny’s needs the meeting room for a group of pickleball players who come every Sunday for lunch. I’ll take one more question.
On Location Reporter:
Who are you wearing today?
Humorist:
It’s from the Kurt Vonnegut Museum collection. It features Vonnegut’s rendition of an a**hole. Thank you for coming. Cheers!
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