We should have wrapped Drew Gallagher’s humor column today in brown paper, but we don’t believe in covering up. Apparently, neither does Moms for Liberty. Which way to the next meeting?
A Tisket, A Tasket, A Threesome and Puppy Basket
By Drew Gallagher
I always dreamed of being a founding father but never dreamed of a threesome. Bridget Ziegler seems to have dreamed and done both.
There has been a lot of justified outrage about Florida Sarasota County School Board member Bridget Ziegler engaging in a threesome with her husband, Christian, and an unidentified woman. (And if this had involved another man, oh, what a Christmas we would have had).
The outrage is not rooted in a threesome amongst consenting adults (although the other woman filed charges against Christian apparently when it ceased to be a threesome, and he allegedly sexually assaulted her after Bridget didn’t show up for a scheduled encounter). Rather it is in the hypocrisy of a married couple extolling Christian family values engaging in a relationship not generally endorsed by church or family values and engaging in a relationship that is markedly opposite of the anti-gay movement that Bridget Ziegler was instrumental in supporting when Florida adopted its “Don’t Say Gay” law.
I was an English major and sucked at math in general and statistics in particular, so I decided to defer to a college professor on the possibility of a threesome that did not have the potential for same sex or “gay” interaction.
Dr. Shawn Gallagher is a professor at Millersville University in Pennsylvania and has his PH.D. in Behavioral Neuroscience and teaches advanced statistics at Millersville. He’s also my cousin. I asked Dr. Gallagher if there was a possibility of a threesome combination of males and females that did not have an exposure of same sex interaction, and the depth of his consideration and vast understanding of the human brain was on full display in his answer: “No.”
Christian Ziegler is chair of the Florida Republican party and has maintained his innocence (not of the threesome or in his treading on family values with golf spikes, but of the alleged sexual assault).
All that being said, he is willing to graciously leave his prominent role in Florida’s Republican party and save the party unwanted scrutiny as long as they pay him handsomely to vacate his throne.
Bridget Ziegler has defiantly refused numerous calls for her to step down from the Sarasota School Board. She can only be removed by Governor Ron DeSantis when he learns to smile and becomes a real boy.
DeSantis, however, has been slow to address the situation because Bridget Ziegler is more than your average selfless public servant; she is also a founding member of Moms for Liberty which is “an American conservative political organization that advocates against school curricula that mention LGBT rights, race and ethnicity, critical race theory, and discrimination” according to its web site. They also like to ban books.
The Moms for Liberty connection for Bridget Ziegler has proven problematic for the other founding mothers of Moms for Liberty who have not engaged in threesomes and who have not taken their pitching wedge and hurled it at the glass house inhabited by the gay couple next door before walking back to their own glass house in a gated community.
To distance themselves from their foundering founding mother, they have come out publicly (not that coming out) and said that Bridget Ziegler was only with the group for about a month after she helped found the group.
With these public relations attempts to minimize the role of Bridget Ziegler in Moms for Liberty, one has to wonder if Bridget showed up to the organizational meeting with the other founding mothers and simply had the wrong idea about their proposed ethos and what they were trying to liberate. (“So girls, when do we take this Liberty movement to the bedroom?”)
But what I found most interesting about all of this is that Bridget Ziegler is getting credit for being a founding mother of a group after essentially showing up to one meeting in which she may or may not have been confused why no one else was wearing pajamas from Victoria’s Secret. I too want to put “founding father” on my resume for the rest of my life without having to do any work other than bringing a veggie tray from Giant.
That is why I have decided to found “Dads for Puppies” (Trademark Status Pending). Organization slogan: “Don’t Say Stray” (Copyright Status Pending).
The idea came to me as I was driving out of my ungated neighborhood Christmas morning to buy beer. I saw a Norman Rockwell family outside in their sun-soaked front lawn and it looked like they had gotten a puppy for Christmas, and they all looked pretty happy.
As I drove to Wawa, I thought that puppies were cute and a lot of fun on Christmas morning, but at a stop light I thought about getting up with the puppy at three in the morning after drinking too much Christmas cheer and how much that would suck after the puppy had eaten wrapping paper with glitter.
“Dads for Puppies” seemed like a great idea until I Googled how long it would take to get a trademark and saw that there are legal requirements AND fees involved. “Dads for Puppies” was noble in thought but was likely to cost me more than a veggie tray.
Maybe Bridget Ziegler is truly a beacon of inspiration for students and teachers (who are white, not gay, and don’t want to read) because she lasted a whole month whereas I couldn’t even make the 15-minute drive to Wawa as a founding father.
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Funny, funny. Especially the mathematical proof and DeSantis crack. En umor, veritas.
Still, this passage has me worried, just for clarity’s sake.
“The Moms for Liberty connection for Bridget Ziegler has proven problematic for the other founding mothers of Moms for Liberty who have not engaged in threesomes and who have not taken their pitching wedge and hurled it at the glass house inhabited by the gay couple next door before walking back to their own glass house in a gated community.”
Shouldn’t it read “for the other founding mothers of Moms for Liberty who have not YET BEEN PROVEN to have…”?
Modern Republicanism, it’s not what you do, it’s what you get caught doing….smh